Puzzle.

Once upon a time I didn't need anyone except Skyler to feel complete.  All the puzzle pieces were in place.  

Enter Eric Handmacher.

Car accident.  

Dizzy.

Can't hear. 

Can't stand.

Can't remember.

Everyone looks at me like I'm about to break.  

When I was dizzy and embarrassed, he held my arm and hand so I felt grounded.  

When I couldn't hear, he repeated himself.  

When I couldn't stand he lifted me up.  

When I couldn't remember, he reminded me.  

He didn't hug me like I was going to break.  He hugged me tight and held me up.  

Looking back I had the outside of the puzzle all put together and glued down.  Now we're putting the middle together, together.

The decision.

I keep starting this blog and deleting whole sentences.  This time I'm going to write and not delete, except to correct mis-spellings, of course.

When I said she could stay at her dad's house for the school year I had hoped she would hate it.  I hoped she would want to run back to mama where life is safe and warm.  I hoped distance would make her realize how much I loved her.  I was wrong.

Skyler is succeeding at life while living with her dad.  She is happy and healthy and not ready to come back home to mama any time soon.  

I feel sorry for so many things.  

I'm sorry I didn't cook and serve dinner at the table more.  

I'm sorry we didn't do more as a family unit.

I'm sorry for any time she thinks back and wonders if I care enough.

Teenagers are evolving and growing every second.

I'm excited to spend Christmas with her.  

I'm excited to show her I cook good meals from scratch now and even have her help me.

I'm thrilled to decorate the tree with her and let her put up grandma's angel like she does every year.

I wonder what she will think about sleeping in her own room.

I'm ready for her to come home to mama.  For good.

Until that day, I watch from a distance, so proud to be her mom.

Black Friday

On this Black Friday I only shopped for one gift: tickets to The Nutcracker for Mama, Skyler and I.  I have a hard time making decisions so it took me all morning to decide on seats for the three of us.  Ten years from now when Skyler Jane thinks back on this Christmas, she won't remember the iPad or the makeup she received.  I believe what she will remember is getting all dressed up with her mom and NuNu and going to the ballet.